Who?

The name is Jowelle

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I learnt something new about myself today! Not exactly new, but yeah, something made me think deeply about these two flaws of mine.

I had my exco meeting today. One very big flaw that I guess I can add to my weakness list is that I'm quite straightforward when I am expressing my opinions. I think its a very serious issue but I have no idea how I can change this.

For example, if I think that something is not good, I would unlikely say that its good, I would just say it in people's face that I think its bad and I don't even paraphrase. Gosh, imagine how many people I have hurt! I'm not very good with words, those words that praise people, encourage people, nah, its not my thing. It always hurt my brain to think of those really nice words to praise others. Especially when they aren't even that good. But in this reality world, who doesn't like to listen to sugar coated words. At least they don't hurt as bad. I think even I love to listen to nice words, and I guess my friends all know this, so everytime they speak to me, I guess they tend to think through before they express themselves. This actually sort of upsets me. I mean, if we are really close, although its hurting but please say it. It makes me feel that I'm someone that you need to entertain and not your friend. I should not be complaining because people around me really treats me very well. I think all my friends know me better than I know myself because I guess I just shows my inner self to everyone once I'm comfortable with them. Oh no, even if I'm uncomfortable, it just shows it in my face, like right in front of people. My face will have this expression that goes: "Omg, this conversation is soooo awkward. Please stop talking to me" I just can't hide it and how I wish I could. I just have so many flaws. Sometimes, nope, I guess all the time, I exaggerate my words so much. Can you just stop, I tell myself that all the time, but it doesn't work. I'm like in the stage of trying to learn how to shut myself up and I'm not coping really well. I still talk a lot of rubbish and interrupt people all the time. Sometimes I wonder how my friends can tolerate my behaviour. I feel so bad for them.

All of flaws are starting to appear slowly as I type more and more. Its not really like I'm trying to rant here but more of like trying to reflect on myself and trying to improve it. I really want to treat people around me well and care for them, but I think my attitude is really overthrowing. How can I be a better friend? I need to learn that well.

Also, people who don't really know me well always think that I'm studious and takes my studies very seriously just because everytime they see me, I happen to be studying. But please, nooo, I don't want people to think in this way. I only can study when people are around because I will be influenced by others' aura that made me want to study. For example, I will study if my friends around me studies. Otherwise, I rarely take up the initiative to study. Why is this bad and I'm complaining? Of course studying is not a bad thing but when people laid the impression that you are studious and is a competition to them, thats the bad part. And whats the worst? My EQ is soooo slow that I can't observe people and what they think. I don't want to become a threat, I want to become a friend. But its so hard for me. I had it easy when I was young because I used to have the baby face that made people go, ohhhh you are so friendly and nice. But now, if I acted like how I was, just plainly not speaking, people think that I'm fierce. I think I really age too quickly all of a sudden.

I think I should write a list of weaknesses that I can think of now. So here goes:

1. I can't express myself well
2. I tend to exaggerate my words
3. I'm super straightforward and can't rephrase my words well to please people
4. I'm kinda stupid in the sense that I can't hide my feelings well so people can just read me through all my words and actions. If I like you, you can see it. If I hate you, well, its obvious too. But this kind of person will not survive very well in the society and hence I have a long way to go.
5. I talk too much that I don't listen to people's opinions most of the time.
6. I talk like I can do work but in actual fact, I can''t do many things well. Well, I'm willing to learn but I'm a slow learner and I can't really remember well.

I guess that's all at the moment but this list is definitely not exhaustive. More to come!!!

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