Who?

The name is Jowelle

Belives in : Photographs preserves the best memories left behind

zaty Adila Next? Next?

Next? Next? Next? Next?

Next? Next? Next? Next?

Next? Next? Next? Next?

These two days, especially today, because mom wasn't feeling well due to her gum problems, she did not join us in many things. For example, for today's breakfast, Dad brought bro and I out for breakfast at a nearby coffee shop. At first, things were ok, its just that mom wasn't here with us and her absence made me feel slightly empty. After a while, I truly felt mom's absence.

It was after we finished our breakfast and I badly wanted some drinks. With dad on the phone trying to solve Yong Yu's tuition schedule, and stupid me without money, I told my bro to order drinks. He asked me for money. For a while, it daunted on me that even my bro felt my mom's absence. Usually, if my mom was there, she will be paying for it so we do not need to worry and could just order the drinks directly. But today, without mom, it was as if the two of us could not function. My bro did not realise that he had the money to pay for the drinks as he was usually given the money by Mom. For me, it was more of, I felt that I was not cared for by someone because my mom is not there to take care of us and my father is busy taking care of some other people's matters. At the same time, we were talking about my bro's tuition matters. My bro could not exactly settle his own tuition matters similar to what I did when I was his age. At that time, I was envying Yong Yu, even though I knew it was my father's job but I thought that he would rather care of someone else tuition matters than his own son. I felt a strong pang of jealously.

Secondly, I strongly felt Mom's absence when she was unable to join us for lunch for my grandauntie's birthday. It was just a simple lunch at Safra. But without Mom, I felt very alone. Firstly, we were late waiting for grandpa and grandma. But when I meet them, Grandpa said something about he shall not eat as he has already eaten at work and he is very full so he will not eat much at the lunch as it was buffet, saving money. He said the same thing non-stop even when we arrived and met with my uncle's family. I thought to myself at that time, why can't he jut keep quiet and eat because my uncle is the one treating and he is doing this so that there will be many people celebrating his mom's birthday. It felt like, seriously, don't spoil the mood and just keep quiet and eat. Then came my grandma. She didn't say much this time but dunno why she gave me the feeling as if she was forced to go for this lunch. I think it was because I saw my auntie (uncle's wife) expression. It felt as if my entire family, despite being late, still can arrogantly complain this and that and it made me feel really uncomfortable. If mom was here, maybe she will be able to shut them up (I'm sorry I had to say that) or at least I would feel that someone is feeling the same as me, because, really, this is how my family behaves everytime. It seems as though everytime someone treats them well, they still can complain this and that and trample people's good intentions. To add on to it, my aunt came. She said something like o.ohh, look at the environment. It felt as if I was in a jungle, feeling trapped. It was true, the restaurant indeed look kinda grand but not in a very positive way, slightly hard to describe but if you compare to the high end restaurants, this indeeds feel not as good. I felt the same way too when I walked in. But given my uncle's family situation, to be able to treat so many of us in a fancy restaurant is a feat already, how can we still complain when we are not the ones paying for it. The more I thought about it, the angrier I become. Don't they know that these silly comments of theirs can hurt others' feelings?

But back to the topic, besides feeling alone with my other family members, I also realised how reliant I was towards my Mom, such that it seems that without her, I cannot function. For the past 2-3 years since I entered Poly, I have many activities during the weekends so I have little time to spend with my family, hence when I have time with them, I'm really happy. But these few days, I was free and wanted to spend more time with my parents, only to find out that my presence was not welcomed. My parents are always asking me where I want to go and they will bring me but I neglected the part of where they would want to be. Simply put, although they do want to spend time with us, they also want to rest. They want more time to themselves which I am selfishly taking it away. It daunted on me that I do not need to go overseas to become more independent. I can simply do it here just by not depending on my parents so much! I think that's good enough because I'm really old enough to let them know that I can take care of myself so they just need to worry about my bro. Also, they ought to have their alone time, not thinking about work or family stuff. Everytime when I decided to tag along with them, I realise that they are always doing something for the family. Worrying about the renovation for the new house, buying groceries or trying to remember to pay my brother's tuition fees. There's so much "rubbish" they need to do, it felt to me as a total waste of time.

I really need to show that I can be independent so that they can have more time supposedly for themselves!

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