Who?

The name is Jowelle

Belives in : Photographs preserves the best memories left behind

zaty Adila Next? Next?

Next? Next? Next? Next?

Next? Next? Next? Next?

Next? Next? Next? Next?

How should I start writing this? Initially, I wanted to record all my happenings month by month so that when I read this blog in the future, I would have something to reminisce upon. So much has happened since my last post. In a short span of a few months, I think my life has been eventful.

LOVE... I dunno how to start, this word... its so strong and postive?? But it just doesn't associate with me.

At first thought, yes, Love, often associated with having your significant other rather than family, your interests, but the point of having this post title is because I want to talk about all the LOVES in my life.

Firstly, my love life... This is the main reason why the word LOVE doesn't associate with me. I probably still dun have that feeling with anyone that I know, or even if I have, I am kind of positive that it will not turn out anyways. The feeling now is somewhat confused, uncertain, unsure, and even like, why must there be such thing in the world. Everyone is in love but me. As more friends get attached, my beliefs for my love life is getting weaker and weaker. I always have a strong belief that I must have a certain feeling towards that someone before devoting myself to a relationship. (Even my heart is thumping now as I write and think about this) I can't simply announce myself in a relationship with someone just because I'm jealous that everyone is attached and definitely not with anyone! But its just getting harder nowadays... I also want to be immersed in that feeling of happiness, the feeling whereby you are willing to do things for this person and this person is willing to do the same for you. But why is it just so hard to find?

Yes, there is this guy that I feel positive towards simply because he has the looks and perhaps attitude that I'm looking for in my special person. As a rational person, I really dun expect him to be good-looking because for one I myself am not that good either, but he just, well, u feel that u can depend on him, like a lot!! His reliable looks and the feeling that he gives out.

At first glance, his looks aren't really considered good. In fact, when I first saw him, when we sat in a circle to play games, I'm like just omg, out of all the guys in this circle, he will be the first one that I defintely won't ever consider. But just after that one event, when he came to my table which I was tutoring my tutee, he was like so gentle to teach my tutee (cos no matter how i teach, she didn't understand and i asked him to teach her) and making lame jokes. That moment was just like omg, he sudddenly looks so attractive. To top it up, he hasn't been attached before (which is difficult to find for someone our ages), so did I. But is it ever possible that you don't have much to talk about with someone u like? For an introvert like me (and so is he), I distant myself from my crush more than with friends. I really have nothing much to talk about with guys, I legit dunno why.

But to make him notice me, I tried. I tried small topics with him, talking and msg (behind the cover of some excuses) but I can see that he has no interest at all. I know he is more on the shy side too, but I did see him speak to other gurls and he looked so natural. One incident that made me even more insecure and sure that he probably has no interest in me is when another gurl mentioned that she felt safe when with him. All guys like pretty girls, thats for sure, and I'm not in the equation. The way he talked to her looked like he enjoyed the conversations too. He's perhaps the first guy which I'm giving so much attention to. He even looked good together with another girl, having that couple look face which, with me, none of it. At that time, I was quite unsure of my feelings, having no past relationships before. my thoughts were, "I dun even know if I like him, how can I confess to him?" Worse still, what will happen if he rejects me? Then I won't be able to see him.

I had many excuses for myself. I dun even think of him often, is that even consider liking? He is just someone who happen to fit the bill for my ideal guy, but whether if there is feelings, I'm still doubting. Unfortunately, love is not 1+1. Theres no such thing as the feeling is mutual as long as one party confess. More often than not, not every couple ends up together. But writing this now about him makes my heart cringe, like I can feel the pain of not being together, but I dunno what will happen even if we get together...

Then there is this other guy whom I just met in one of my elective class. Not very attractive either, not someone who is love at first sight either. But he is willing to take action. He approached me to talk, takes time and effort to msg me and he behaves quite gentlemantly. The first time when he asked me out, I thought it was a friendly gesture and I didn't want him to get the wrong idea so I dressed as I would with friends. However, the way he behaved made me reconsider him. It felt as though he fit my ideal bill too but somehow, I just dun have this certain feeling with him yet. It felt as though my heart can still thump with the first guy, than this guy. The thing about me is that I need a lot of time to know someone. Like as long as that time passed, I feel more safe to share with that person about me than someone that I had just known for a while. And I guess, while writing this, I realised that what turns me up about someone is when I see their interactions with children. I really like children and it seems that the inner me would hope that the person I like, likes children too. This factor just seem like a good gauge of a person, (to me that is)

There were much topics which we talked about, from foods, to movies to like even daily life. I'm not sure of my current status but apparently the way he talks make me feel that he is interested in me, but for me, I'm not even sure. He will ask me what I do, whether i had dinner, and to me, its just polite to ask the same question. Am I supposed to think much into this? Its pretty comfortable to talk to him, since I dun have that many guy friends whom I'm comfortable to talk to. But I just feel that to get together, we need to get one step higher, that is to talk about beliefs, thoughts and future plans. I often talk about this with my girlfriends because it makes me feel that I have plans for my future. If I can talk to him about these, to me, its rather important because it means that we have a future together. or simply because its my favourite topics to talk about.

What made me consider me, is because I'm finding someone whom I can depend on, who can take care of me, which he looks like he can. I was probably evaluating him the entire time we went out which makes me feel that he is dependable. I need that him to respect my strong headed and independent attitude but at the same time, ignore it and take care of me. sounds complicated rite? As I write, I feel that this person might fit the bill but whats lacking is the feeling and maybe the looks?

Its just so difficult for me but everyone around is simply attached already. :(

~~ the feelings of a lost and confused 21.

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