Obviously the promise to one post per month failed badly, I'm really bad at this... 

I'm so bad at so many things in this life. I'm bad at socialising, I'm poor in maintaining my relationships with my family, I'm even worse in my studies. Its rather depressing to write these thoughts but maybe it could be an avenue for me to release my frustration at myself without affecting anyone. 

As much as I know that in this world, everyone is struggling and everyone is envying each other's life, I can't help but envy others too. I guess I'm just as human and as normal till I can't be more special. I used to like myself, my personality and my life. I'm an optimistic person so most of the time, I can't quite remember all the bad times I had faced. Rather, some events are somewhat retained but the rest of the sad and unimportant memories are thrown perhaps to the back of my mind. With these thoughts, I really want to go back to my past where I'm less troubled and happier as the people around me, my friends are always there for me. 

I'm a people person, not that I'm an extrovert. But I'm constantly being affected by my assumptions of people. I hate changes. So when my friends cannot hang out with me especially now, I get moody real bad. I'm just so bad at ignoring the impacts people have on me. I dislike my personality that I am constantly thinking about about how people think, their thoughts, if I have done anything they disliked or am uncomfortable with. Some told me that they envy me for being able to be conscious of others' discomfort and react immediately. But I hate it, or at least now I really hate it. Why must I subconsiously think for others? Why must I be so sensitive and think too much into people's words and actions. Sometimes their meaning is just on the surface level while others needs to be read between the lines. But then I never get it right. I always do the opposite and it makes me look like someone innocent and without any thoughts. I don't mind being innocent and blur, unknown to things around me. Perhaps life will be much simpler like this, being unaffected. Sometimes I'm just so tired having to think so much. Its like xx being unable to meet me for lunch today. Although its a regular lunch appointment we have, there is no constant as to us meeting every week. I do know this, but I can't help but feel disappointed or even angry at her for that. Peer pressure is another thing. Till now, I really don't know if I'm really dating or just pretending to. It feels so tiring sometimes having to define all these, though its just all my thoughts, that I just decide to be selfish and just enjoy myself in the course of it. I don't know if I'm in it because I want to be on par with them or am I really liking it. It feels so difficult and I just think so much that its affecting my mental health a lot. I have nothing much to say to him on a normal basis if we don't meet. But when we meet, I just let things flow and sometimes I will have things to say. I have this very deep insecurity of wanting to protect myself from harm that I don't dare to devote myself in it totally. I'm really afraid of playing this game, perhaps its just not for me. But am I capable of taking part in this game? I'm really bad at this. 

I'm really bad at being alone too. I'm really thankful to i for teaching me that it doesn't hurt to be alone in the crowd of people but don't feel lonely. I'm not sure if feeling lonely is inevitable because I'm constantly think how others have each other to accompany while I'm alone. But this training did teach me to feel comfortable alone in the eyes of others. This constant thought in my head; "People does not care about you" helped me survive everytime when people are in my surroundings. Its not a negative thought but more of they are not aware that I'm alone, there. So I can just simply be in my own world and enjoy my own time. Its not a bad thing, considering the fact that I'm an introvert who constantly need my alone time to breathe. Training to not feel lonely teaches me to face the truth that everyone is a single unit alone. Its a hard truth that even though I might have friends whom I can always depend on, I still cannot find anyone to just accompany when I feel lonely. There has been too many times these days. Perhaps I have too much self-pity for myself, perhaps its the same for everyone and really, I have no idea why I must think so much about it. Why can't I just be cool about it and think of it as "Oh yeah! More alone and breathable time to myself" instead of "crap, I'm alone again, no one cares about me"? But I seriously want to train myself so well that I never have to bear such thoughts again. But can I? I really need more guidance and wise words.