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10 May 2020 ~~ 感染病期间的一天}
Sunday, May 10, 2020 | 11:39 PM | 0Comment 踏入疫情 circuit breaker 的第二月，我看似已习惯宅在家里的生活。但其实我期待能出去透透气的日子。家人之间的矛盾使我产生了迫切想要搬出去的念头。他们说人在一起待久了，就会有摩擦，还是有距离一些好点。 即便如此，现在的我也毫无能力马上改变现状。只好将就些，少说点话，就少点争执。而这段期间，我也开始了一种自律的得过且过的日子。看似做了很多，但每天大多数因为担心写Masters 文章和简历而浪费时间，一直在玩。所以现在的我，想要重新开始。从每天的一两个小习惯开始，我要投向我的目标，对我自己的人生负责！ 今天达成： 1）面试准备 2）煮了一道tokbokki 为母亲节午餐 3）日常运动 明天再努力！ Don't carry expectations }
Saturday, October 20, 2018 | 2:39 PM | 0Comment
Taking up this leadership role of centrehead and being in Uni has taught me a lot about people.
The saying of cherishing the people around you definitely cannot be more correct. Those still stay until now are those who have managed to survive my personality and yet still want to help me be a better person. Hence they are always here for me.
Then there are those people whom you had hopes for them, hoping that they will follow your plans and everything will go well. But these people never fail to disappoint. They are those who don't care about you and just do things according to their own way. The more you hope to be close and have expectations for them, the more hurt you receive. Occasionally, my close friends are those who disappoint me to the max but they are still those people who will still be there for me and I appreciate that kind gesture.
So a lesson learnt is don't bother too much about others. Don't make efforts for those who disappoint. Don't think too much into their impressions of you. Do the bare minimum needed for your job as long as you tried.
I'm exhausted}
Tuesday, October 16, 2018 | 12:31 AM | 0Comment I give up, I give up on pleasing people. "You can't please everyone, learn to say NO" this was a saying that I came across in these few years but it did not occur to me its real meaning until this year when I took over the position of centrehead in FOC. I was excited, passionate to do well better than A for this year. I swear I want to make it a good experience for everyone, just like how it was for me in Toastmasters. Little did I know that 一切都回不去了。I thought I was prepared. I prepared myself for the worst, having learnt to have no expectations of people. But I set high expectations for myself. I wanted to be as good as WK, but I came to learn that I will never be as good as him. I thought he was a nice person who could help me alot and since thats the case, I should simply try to be in his good books so that he can constantly help me. But time is not on my side. Once, became twice and thrice that I kept failing him and I have never seen him so disappointed but he did. I hate the thought of having to disappoint someone who believes in me but I felt that it was so difficult that it became so unbreathable for me. I'm not sure if this is my excuse but after I learnt to let go and not try to appeal to him, I felt so much better. This position really taught me hard about time. Everyone has the same amount of time and it really voices down to how you spend it. I chose it this way, I try my best not to regret it but I will do my best to make it an achievement for myself. There are too many others whom I disappoint too but I really cannot afford them anymore. I tried, I know I tried and if they cannot understand, I'm sorry but I have to let u go. I'm not willing to sacrifice my loved ones and friends for these people whom I don't know long enough. They might be good people but I don't have enough trust in them. Another thing I learnt is to be less sensitive and have less expectations for people. These FOC people are really, nice, but sarcastic. Whats there to laugh about for someone who have fears for cycling. Isn't there such thing called emphathy? I know I don't have to please these people but yet I constantly question myself why do I even try to meet up to their expectations. I'm just not them, I don't have to be them. I JUST WANT TO BE MYSELF. I'm tired of not sorting out my priorities and giving those unimportant people to rule my life. It all voices down to my mindset anyways. The only person I have to defeat is MYSELF and I will gladly do that. And now, I basically have everything that I could ask for. My life is peaceful, I pray for no externalities that will disturb this peace. I have a loving family, a sweet boyfriend, supportive friends, a studies which I have much to improve on. I don't see what else more do I need but I need to work on learning how to stop pleasing people. I never will and can please them enough so why not JUST STOP? a Midsummer Night Dream ~}
Friday, July 20, 2018 | 10:43 AM | 0Comment
It was a midsummer night dream. It didn't felt like it really happened. Once I'm back home, everything fell into place. I was back to my usual routine of being my old "self", meeting friends, behaving normally and dealing with toxic people and matters. That four months didn't feel real at all, that self that I once had been seems like it hadn't exist at all. But the photos, gifts and memories proved it all real...
Its still hard to believe that I had survived four months by myself in a foreign country, although its in a protected environment. God has been kind to me. There had been small difficult times but more of happy, fortunate, safe moments. I don't think I will ever regret this decision I had made.
February
I landed in Korea on the 22nd. I had 10 days to tour with mom. It had been a fun and stressful period. It was great travelling with mom because I was being taken care of all the time. Mom took care of alot of things for me, bringing me around, helping me to settle with my dormitory and school, so I felt more rest assured and didn't have to fret. Now I'm appreciative of all these that mom had done for me. But there and then, it was an extremely stressful period. I probably have never spent such a long time with mom, after I grew up. 10 extreme days, 240 hours together. Having my own opinion and constantly being tested my mom about my direction sense, I was so tired of it that I even broke down and cried. It was a totally terrible period for me. Having the same character of mom means that I understand where she is coming from but it also meant that we have the same temper and it really makes me feel helpless at times since I do not have the say. But also because of this period, I felt so happy instead of lost after mom left.
March
I was scared at first, the first day I was on my own. But I also heaved a sign of relief, having the opportunity to be on my own and make my own decisions. There was no one to test my decisions! That freedom was beyond description. I could decide where I want to go, when I want to leave and return home, what I want to buy or eat and basically rest whenever I want. No nagging, no control, no challenge. Of course, without all these, comes the price of loneliness. I start to realise that I am on my own now, there is no choice but to toughen up and enjoy myself. At the same time, I had no time to think. Lessons were from 9am to 6pm. 7pm onwards were for dinners, shows and homework. Weekends were spent with homework. There was no time to think about home. The only time I thought about home was when I was starving. I miss that homecooked food so badly, that love and care from the food and the healthy diet. But other than that, this young spirit had no time to think. I was concerned about keeping myself busy and making friends. God introduced many kind people to my life. They brought me around, had lunches with me, It was a midsummer night dream. It didn't felt like it really happened. Once I'm back home, everything fell into place. I was back to my usual routine of being my old "self", meeting friends, behaving normally and dealing with toxic people and matters. That four months didn't feel real at all, that self that I once had been seems like it hadn't exist at all. But the photos, gifts and memories proved it all real...
Its still hard to believe that I had survived four months by myself in a foreign country, although its in a protected environment. God has been kind to me. There had been small difficult times but more of happy, fortunate, safe moments. I don't think I will ever regret this decision I had made. February I landed in Korea on the 22nd. I had 10 days to tour with mom. It had been a fun and stressful period. It was great travelling with mom because I was being taken care of all the time. Mom took care of alot of things for me, bringing me around, helping me to settle with my dormitory and school, so I felt more rest assured and didn't have to fret. Now I'm appreciative of all these that mom had done for me. But there and then, it was an extremely stressful period. I probably have never spent such a long time with mom, after I grew up. 10 extreme days, 240 hours together. Having my own opinion and constantly being tested my mom about my direction sense, I was so tired of it that I even broke down and cried. It was a totally terrible period for me. Having the same character of mom means that I understand where she is coming from but it also meant that we have the same temper and it really makes me feel helpless at times since I do not have the say. But also because of this period, I felt so happy instead of lost after mom left. March I was scared at first, the first day I was on my own. But I also heaved a sign of relief, having the opportunity to be on my own and make my own decisions. There was no one to test my decisions! That freedom was beyond description. I could decide where I want to go, when I want to leave and return home, what I want to buy or eat and basically rest whenever I want. No nagging, no control, no challenge. Of course, without all these, comes the price of loneliness. I start to realise that I am on my own now, there is no choice but to toughen up and enjoy myself. At the same time, I had no time to think. Lessons were from 9am to 6pm. 7pm onwards were for dinners, shows and homework. Weekends were spent with homework. There was no time to think about home. The only time I thought about home was when I was starving. I miss that homecooked food so badly, that love and care from the food and the healthy diet. But other than that, this young spirit had no time to think. I was concerned about keeping myself busy and making friends. God introduced many kind people to my life. They brought me around, had lunches with me, and entertained me. I was really grateful for this company. Otherwise I think I might not be able to survive being alone. It was much better than my year 1 uni life. April The period of cold weather cherry blossoms came and left all too quickly. Progressing into my second month, I became more adept with my routine, my friendships blossomed, and mid terms came. It was an extreme busy period of struggling with Korean class and mid terms. But it was also the time I decided that I cannot miss this lovely cherry blossoms period. Studies became my second priority as I start to go out more often, with friends or alone. Being alone was enjoyable. I could go whereever I wanted and even staying out for one entire day. I became selfish as well, as I no longer need to wait for anyone when I go out. I went out with people but I enjoy being alone more. Of course, home food was missed even more as I chant the local Malay food names with my roommate. I went around, and got to see cherry blossoms and took many pictures. It really was a pity that my background was so pretty but not my clothes. It was still freezing cold to dress nicely. May 2 months passed really quickly. It became my third month and I start to cherish my time in Korea. Korean finals came, sickness came which caused me to skip finals, both willingly and unwillingly. If I had known that there would be consequences for skipping finals, I would not have done that. The workload proved to be a toll on my body. The feeling of no one taking care of me when I'm sick, was definitely experienced. But after that experience of stomach flu in year 1 when I was really sick and sad, this experience became easier to handle. I prayed to God everyday, to please keep me safe and not be sick. I'm thankful that God answered my prayers and I only became sick in this period when I could somehow afford to. It was a blessing actually. After Korean class ended, I had too much time on hand. I began to explore more places. Of course, with the class ending, my best friend went home too, making me more alone than ever. But I trained myself not to be bothered with that, and diverted my attention to finding new places so as not to regret. God treated me well again. During this time, I had more time to go out with my other friends. Our friendship blossomed and I didn't feel that alone, as much as I thought. Thank you God. June This last month was both looking forward to home and wanting to stay longer in Korea. It was a period that I really cherish very much. I went out more than ever to buy more things so that I will not regret. But my stamina also dropped significantly. I no longer go out for the whole day. Instead, it was just one afternoon or one morning. At the same time, I was busy preparing for finals as well. Towards the end, my relationships with my other friends became so nice that I was really shocked that they were sad to part with me. I mean, I know that I cannot click with them 100% and so was rather open minded. But they were really nice, telling me that they would miss me. I was also too greedy towards the end, buying too many things that I could not stuff into my luggage. For the first time, I understood what mom meant by don't buy too much because its difficult to pack. For the first time in my life, I had to pack my own luggage. I threw away bags of things that I had such a hard time parting with. But what is harder is to stuff them into my luggage. When I finally finished, I was a desperate girl, with one big luggage, a carry-on and two super heavy backpacks, dragging to the airport. There, I found out that my luggage were severely overweight. I became that person whom I had once despised, the one who packs their luggage at the airport, an embarrassing scene. I was so thankful that I went to the airport early but at the same time, was facing a second parting with my items. I mercilessly threw away my stuff and finally reached the minimum. It was a hot and desperate memory. I probably cannot forget. I'm thankful that I'm alone so no one I knew was there to witness this embarrassing sight of me. With the check-in luggages reaching the maximum of exactly 40kg, I was totally proud of myself. Then, I dragged two 7 kg backpacks onto the plane, along with the carrier I collected at Lotte after fighting a war with time and China people. It was another desperate sight of me. Resting at the lounge was nice but I failed to be that gracious and pretty sight I wanted to be, just with one sling bag and acting high class. TOTAL FAIL! I'm just thankful to board the plane and finally rest, putting Korea behind me and going back to my mundane life. When I woke up the next morning, everything felt like I woke up from a midsummer night dream. It felt like it didn't happen but my body was tired, everyone was treating me especially well and my luggages were waiting for me to unpack them. Even until now, I couldn't believed that I had lived precariously everyday, praying to God, for a good FOUR MONTHS! I'm not sure if I can ever do this again, being so adventurous to do it alone and whether it will be a similar experience. Writing this brings back so many memories and I thank myself for being so brave to explore the world and fulfiling my dream. I actually do not know if I had grown up but I definitely discovered another side of me. The "me" who behaves somewhat risky in front of people whom I do not know and not have a care about what they think of me. Now that I'm back, I feel like I'm back to that "safe" me, having to meet the expectations people have of me instead of being myself totally. Perhaps another adventure is needed to bring out that real me for a good short break. 这真的是你要的吗？2}
Thursday, December 21, 2017 | 12:39 AM | 0Comment 四年后看到之前写下的幸苦，我才发现原来自己在每个阶段都辛苦过，从未得到不费苦工的结果。 现在的我，大学第二年，暑假，面对着找不到工作的危机。因为找不到，更怀疑自己是否做了对的选择。。。 大学一路走来很艰辛，课业竞争，虚伪友谊，为将来做准备，这些都是很烦，不想触碰到的事情。最后，为了一张文凭，忍受了这些虚伪，换来的是对自己未来的不确定。我到底以后要做些什么， 我不知道。而会为将来烦心，是因为我的个性不允许不能预测的未来，那让我很没安全感。现在的我，面对未来，充满了无数的未知数，甚至连方向都模糊了。我的理想，梦想。。。我已不知它们去了哪。。。 我想我恋爱了}
| 12:28 AM | 0Comment 从来没想过有一天我会写关于这个主题。一直以来我期待它会发生在我身上，但从来没想过，他来得那么突然。。。
爱一个人的感觉如何，遇见他之前，我想，我根本都搞不懂。这个男孩长得不错，个性又好，我就觉得他是个机会，也许有可能。但我从没想过之后呢。告白在一起后又能如何？在一起能多久，之后呢？会有未来吗？结婚后，所以呢？我一直渴望拥有一个以结婚为目标的恋爱。只想着在一起会很开心，以为自己已经愿意直接跳过恋爱，就结婚。
但遇到他后我才了解到，原来爱一个人是多么的难，多么神圣的一件事。他来的太突然，几乎与我的理想型差了一截，我更本没有想到他可以让我愿意为爱付出，几乎忘我。
这份感情也与我的想像差十万八千厘，真的不夸张。我没想到我是一个对爱那么白痴的人，不知什么叫爱一个人。从我们开始到现在，进度都非常的慢，而我也在这几个月慢慢的爱上他。开始的两个月，我对他说，我愿意多认识你， 几乎是抱着能轻易分手在恋爱。交一个知心的朋友，我花了最少一年，何况是一份我更加小心翼翼的感情。这是一个我玩不起的游戏。我了解自己，对人很忠心，一旦投入了感情，就是痴心踏地，无法轻易抽身。所以对他，我非常小心翼翼，直到我确认自己对他的感情。而他，一开始就非常的投入。就因为他那诚恳的甜言蜜语，常常毫无犹豫就表达的爱意和无辜天真的笑容，让我一次又一次的爱上他。我曾经怀疑他是否认真，是不是闹着和我玩，则么会喜欢我这个无理取闹的个性，让我害怕投入。我告诉自己如果他要和我分手，我愿意，但可能有一段时间我谁也不会考虑，不能在恋爱。毕竟，我自己的缺点我了解，不奢望有谁能包容。这是前面两个月开始时的想法。
后来，我慢慢让自己跌入他的甜言蜜语，把自己的防备减低，慢慢接受他的爱。当我开始回报他的表达，我感觉自己享受到从没有过的爱。我之所以会接受他，是因为他爱我很想爸爸爱我的方式。常常牵着我的手，抱抱我，就像是对他人炫耀我是他的。而这也给我一种安全感，仿佛在对其他女生说他是我的！牵我的手时，他喜欢玩玩我的手指，与他的大手做比较，说我的手很小。从来没有人说过我的手小，简直是恋爱高手说的话。他不是高手，就是真诚的可爱。我选择相信后者。从一开时，他就很主动的牵我的手，无论何时。我是个被动的人，但却渴望已触摸表示，感受到爱。而他的主动，真诚的表达方式就很适合我。我从没想过我能遇到与我那么合拍的人。
我曾问过妈妈，为何爸爸的家人常常那么烦，她还能忍受，还与他在一起。她说爱一个人时可以让你包容他的缺点，只在乎他这个人。 我想现在的我可能就是这样吧。开始我从没考虑他，是因为觉得他的做事方式有些缺，总觉得与我不同成熟度。但他的真诚打动了我，使我能忽略他的缺点，愿意花多些力气去了解他。不知为什么，开始时，就算有再多的不确定，我还是选择继续，而现在我开心地享受我的决定。
一直以为与情人和与朋友的互动是一样的，只是多了些爱意。但我从没想过那些爱意是多么的不同。第一次跌倒时，在他面前。当时的他，看到我跌倒，除了惊慌，还充满了关心和自责。他十分关心我感到的痛，仿佛就像是我父母看到我跌倒一样， 那么的痛心。自责是因为他让我走在旁边，几乎走到了边缘。他常常不由自主的使我走到边缘，而当时的我对他也有些责怪。我怪他为何不能多费心地看我们走的方向，不要靠近到我得走到边缘。但仔细想想，当天，我就是沉迷与看着他的笑容，才没看到路，应该责怪自己。不知为什么，恋爱后，变得很微弱，总是期待他能照顾我，但因他没能完成我的期待而感到失望。我所一直坚信的女强人概念在他面千完全融化。
而他那关心的态度，我到了跌了第二次后才懂得珍惜。两周后，我又再次跌倒了。这次是和认识多年的朋友。除了我得自己处理伤口，我还得照原定计划爬山。和男友时，我一跌倒，他就扶我的旁边的椅子休息，坐到我感觉好很多才送我回家。这次，我只是擦完伤口，休息个五分钟就开始爬山。一拐一拐地走在朋友后面，我才发现原来他把我照顾得那么好，那么用心。
到了现在，我才能体会一位好朋友曾对我说过的话。要知道自己是否爱一个人，想想自己一天内是多常想着那个人。开始时可能是一两次，现在是无时无刻，做什么，看到什么，都会想到他。而我也再也不怕在好友家人面前提到他，仿佛他是我的骄傲。
我想我是真的恋爱了。而我爱他，因为在他面前，我可以舒服自在地做自己，无需做作。
The disappointment is real}
Friday, November 24, 2017 | 12:06 AM | 0Comment No wonder they always say, "you will know when you become a parent..." I felt that I just made Dad disappointed just now... Just now, Dad just asked me to travel together to Zhuhai. Because I haven't had the opportunity to go there, he excitedly told me the news and said that he wanted to bring me there. But I had to reject because I already had plans for those few days. and because... those were the precious few days I could spend with my bf before he flies off... This was probably the first time I am rejecting my family because of someone... I gave the excuse that I had work but I really wanted to go because I could feel Dad's excitement for it. Those times which I had rejected before were simply because I didn't want to go but I could feel that my parents were alright with it too... But this time, the disappointment is real. I really didn't want to disappoint Dad, especially since Dad has been really busy these days. I was really tempted to ask for my bf if I should go but we can only meet for that few days in Dec and after that both of us will be on exchange for the next 6 months already. This is really a test into our relationship since we just started only... I'm really in a dilemma. Even now that its been confirmed that I do not need to go, I still hate to disappoint my parents.... Haiz... no mood to continue now.. |
